On the go

I am going to be on the go for the 3rd day in a row. I woke up, had a protein shake to start my day off right I then packed my snacks and lunch to assure that I will stay on track today. I NEED to learn that simply being away from home doesn't mean I can't stay on track. I need to take these extra steps and prepare in advance.

Last night was super tough. I was over a friends house and no one in that family cares anything about proper nutrition and it shows. My heart broke for my friend's nephew who sat at a computer all day with headphones on, eating a box of Chicken in a Biscuit and drinking pop. He's 11 years old and he's obese. It's very heartbreaking. However, his father, also obese, often sits at the same computer with the same headphones snacking into the wee hours of the night. What are we modeling to our children today, America? Let's strive to be good examples to our children because basically, we're killing them if we don't. 

Memorial Day Weekend

I think I am finally out of the emotional funk I was in. THANK GOD! I am re-focused and ready to work! 

Today, our family went to a cook-out with some friends of ours. It turned out great. I was really nervous but I planned ahead and everything was great. I was worried for nothing. It helped a ton that our friends were completely understanding of my new lifestyle change. My day wasn't as clean as I would have liked to have seen it, however, I am seeing so much improvement with the choices I am making. I tend to do a great job throughout the week, when I am home and on schedule. The weekends are where I really struggle. Tomorrow we're getting together with some other friends for our annual memorial day weekend Nascar party. Again, I have planned ahead to hopefully avoid any mishaps.

I've started to increase my fitness level a bit. I am still walking but I have added in some workout videos as well as light strength training/Pilates/Etc. Cameron mentioned today that he thought I really benefited from going to Curves. I told him it was something that I need to think through. I am still torn on the whole gym issue. 

Emotions

I was not fully prepared for how emotional this journey was going to be. There are so many things being stirred up inside me (both positive and negative). I keep having to remind myself that I trying to get healthy, not skinny. I keep fighting with myself. Comparing myself to others. I often feel like I am not accepted or taken seriously in life because of my weight. It's seen as a handicap. I want to be accepted. I want to fit it.  Wait, no! I want to NOT CARE about what other people think of me. I want people to like me no matter what my weight is. I don't want people to suddenly want to be my friend because I lose 100 pounds. I know I am not making much sense right now because I am a blubbering mess! I figured it was still a good idea to get these thoughts out of my body and not dwell on them. Even though I want other people to accept me, I want ME to accept me. God loves me for me. I need to learn to do the same.

When they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Reflection

Look at me 
You may think you see 
Who I really am 
But you'll never know me 
Every day 
It's as if I play a part 
Now I see 
If I wear a mask 
I can fool the world 
But I cannot fool my heart 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

I am now 
In a world where I 
Have to hide my heart 
And what I believe in 
But somehow 
I will show the world 
What's inside my heart 
And be loved for who I am 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
Why is my reflection 
Someone I don't know? 
Must I pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

There's a heart that must be 
Free to fly 
That burns with a need to know 
The reason why 

Why must we all conceal 
What we think, how we feel? 
Must there be a secret me 
I'm forced to hide? 
I won't pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside?

Could be worse

I am having a REALLY crappy day. You know, one of those days where your prayers are more sobbing than words. I feel guilty even being upset because no matter how bad my problems seem to me, there are so many out there struggling far worse than I am, or ever will. A family lost their young son to cancer this week. A massive tornado wiped out an entire city. Lives were lost and homes were destroyed. I am glad that no matter what I go through in life God is there to heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. I serve a loving God. 

Warning: Venting!!!

 Ok, I REALLY need to vent right now. I get really upset when people lose a bunch weight eating garbage when I am busting my butt trying to log every calorie I consume. Not only am I logging how many calories I consume, but I am trying to be smart about which foods I consume. GRRR!!! I am completely frustrated right now. I just don't comprehend how people can eat pizza and drink regular pop and lose 37 lbs in 3 weeks. 

Then there's my lovely husband who eats spicy chicken sandwiches and drinks Coke like no ones business. Every week when I weigh in he weighs in after me. Usually, he loses MORE than me. He's not even trying! He's even stated that he could care less about his nutrition. 

***TANTRUM***

Why can't I lose large amounts of weight?? I don't get it!!! I want to succeed so bad... I can taste it!!!

Focus

After a not so glorious week I thought it would be a good idea to remind myself what I am working towards. I need to stay focused. Quitting is not an option this time.

What I'm working towards:

To be able to fly so I can go on a mission trip.

To go to an amusement park and actually enjoy myself

To be able to buy off the rack in any store, and to be more feminine.  

Family fitness.

I am striving to become physically fit.

 I also want my family to be able to enjoy things, together,

 such as hiking and bike rides.

I want to inspire them to be healthy.