I feel like a monster.

I am not taking this journey to be skinny. I am taking this journey to change as a person in MANY different aspects of my life. I'll be honest with you though. I hate my body. I've been feeling great, staying on track, things have been going really good. Yesterday as I got dressed to go walking I happened to glance in the mirror at myself and I lost it. I'm hideous. I am mad at myself for letting it get so out of hand. I am also pretty disappointed in my family/friends that NO ONE told me. I mean, that's not what you really WANT to hear but I honestly wish someone would have pulled me aside and given me a wake up call.

I was telling my husband the other day that even when I've lost 50 pounds I will still be fat. People will still give looks and make rude remarks. They will still judge me without knowing my story. This is a hard one for me to deal with. I've always battled with acceptance issues in life. I just want to blend in for once. I feel like a monster. The looks people give me sometimes shatter me inside.

Without getting into too much personal detail, when the weight is gone, I am going to need plastic surgery. That's already been determined by my doctor, my husband and myself. There are some problem areas that once all the fat is gone, the skin is not going to go back to where it should be. I CAN'T AFFORD SURGERY!!!  I have to wear "spanx" right now just to hide it and I think it's going to get worse, not better. I HATE IT. I am being honest and real here people. This is really hard for me to admit and deal with.

I want to run away and hide forever never to be seen again in the outside world. Unfortunately that is not an option. I am just going to have to work through my issues and keep going. God doesn't want me to quit. He has a plan for my life. I need to trust him and do my part.

The eating, the exercise, they are all easy compared to the emotional side of this journey. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Even when I am I am in the lowest valley, God is still by my side cheering me on.