Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom: A state of being wherein you feel as if you cannot sink any lower emotionally, psychologically, or physically.

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I have officially hit rock bottom
When you cant get any lower, the only way to go is up, right?

I have been overweight as long as I can remember. The thing is, I always LOOKED fat, but never really FELT fat. Until now. I hate who I have become. There, I said it. I HATE MYSELF. This breaks my heart because my Bible teaches me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." Maybe that's the way I was made... but what have I done with the body that God has given me? I've destroyed it. How can I be the hands and feet of God if I am bed ridden??

My 4 year old daughter was sitting on my bed chatting with me while I changed clothes one day and she said to me "Mommy, how come your back isn't flat like mine and Zachary's?" Wow! My 4 year old noticed my fat rolls. Then, it really sunk in for me. If I did not change, what would my kid's life look like in 10 years? Would they even have a Mother? Would I be dead? Would they get made fun of because I was an embarrassment?  Would I be sitting on a bench in the park while my kids beg me to play with them?? My kids deserve better. 

I am in a rough place right now. I feel toxic. The chemicals in the food ( if you can even call it that ) we've been eating are making me feel so sick. I feel sluggish and... just blah.

I weighed myself this morning. I am 2 pounds under my HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER. Ouch!

Ok, so where do I go from here? Up, right? How do I do that? I've been toying with the idea of weight loss surgery. I have mixed emotions. I feel like it would be a cop out. I also feel like it might be my only hope. I've tried... and tried.... and tried. What am I doing wrong? I mean, it's one thing to never try, but when you ACTUALLY make an attempt to change and fail, it kinda kills your self esteem. 

Eat healthy and exercise. Sounds simple, right? *sigh*

I am going to get fit/healthy... or die trying!