Pressing on

Every day I have to fight off negative thoughts. Here are just a a few of the things that go through my head on a daily basis:

You are not worth it.

What's the point?

You will never succeed.

No one cares. 

You are not strong enough.

I can either choose to believe these things and give up or, rebuke them and keep going. You see, these thoughts are not of God. God has big plans for me, and he's going to use me in a mighty way to do his work. Satan wants me to fail. Do you think I am going to let him win? No! My God is greater.  

I have said from the beginning that I wanted to do this without any pills or surgery. Since making that decision I have actually had  one friend start taking supplements/shakes/pills and another recently had weight-loss surgery. I didn't know how challenging it would be for me to watch them lose drastic amounts of weight. I want to be happy for them. They deserve to be/healthy just as much as I do. It's just... hard. Still, my decision remains. I want to do this with no pills and no surgery. 

Sometimes I feel guilty focusing on me. I've always put everyone else's needs ahead of mine. I also find that it's hard to balance my time between being a wife, mom, Sunday school teacher, homeschool teacher, cook,  maid, chauffeur.... then you add workouts and food prep onto that. It's getting a little easier as the days go on but it can still be quite overwhelming at times. 

I was on Pinterest last night looking for homeschool ideas and I came across some quotes that really seemed to fit this part of my journey. I thought I'd share:

Whole-Wheat Banana Bread

I am trying to encourage my family to make better choices with their food. I've been trying to buy less processed foods. I've also been experimenting with some "clean" recipes. Today I decided to make some Whole-Wheat Banana Bread. I found the original recipe here. I made some changes to fit our tastes/nutritional needs. The kids are really excited to have this tomorrow for breakfast.

INGREDIENTS

• 2 1/4c.  whole-wheat flour
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3 ripe bananas, mashed
• 1/4c. plain Greek yogurt 
• 1/4c. honey
• 1/3c. + 2 Tbls unsweetened applesauce 
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla
• 1/4c. black walnuts

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and grease pan.
2. Whisk together the flour, baking soda, nuts, and salt.
3. In a separate bowl mix mashed bananas with yogurt, honey, eggs, applesauce, and vanilla.
4. Fold the banana mixture into the flour mixture until blended. Do not overmix.
5. Pour batter into prepared pan.
6. Bake large loaf for 40 – 50 minutes or until it comes clean with a toothpick.

Bikes

I have been overweight since I could remember. As a kid I could ride a bike but, it was always a challenge to keep up with the other kids. Then, there was the knee injury that I had in 6th grade. After that I wasn't very active at all. I used the injury as an excuse. After doing a year of physical therapy I COULD be active again. I simply chose not to. 

When Cameron and I were dating, I tried to ride a bike again and I was so out of shape that I cried/whined the entire time and we stopped like a MILLION times. He refused to go with me any more. I really don't blame him. 

I had recently been showing in interest in wanting to try to ride again. Cameron wanted me to lose a significant amount of weight first. However, I am losing at a low slower pace than he had expected. So, we went bike shopping. We were just going to look. Much to my surprise we walked out of there with no only one, but TWO new bikes. 

I was terrified to even get on the bike, much less ride the thing. I told myself that I would take it a  few houses at a time. Off we went. Around the block. I survived. I rode a bike again! After a short rest and some adjusting of seats and handlebars we set out again, this time going a little farther. After that I was done. I was pleased with what I had accomplished so we put the bikes away in my mother in law's garage and headed in to eat lunch. I had packed our lunches as an attempt to save money and keep me on track with my calories. 

Cameron then gets this bright idea to go for another ride. To his Aunts. After 10 minutes of throwing a fit and begging him not to,  we were on our way. 1 mile to his Aunts and then another .5 miles around to make the full circle. It was extremely tough and we had to stop a few times so I could stand up and get cramps out of my legs. We did it though. I had to have a talk with Cameron though, about the difference between encouraging someone and pushing them a bit and then pushing them too far. I felt like it was getting close to too far. I was beginning to feel pain. Not the "feel the burn" kind of pain either. I survived though. My legs were screaming the next morning through. A leg massage was a MUST. Thankfully my sweet hubby volunteered before I even asked. 

After our long bike ride we headed to the metropark to buy our yearly pass. The kids needed to take their naps so we decided to go for a drive. We ended up driving for a few hours and checking out a bunch of the other Michigan metroparks since we had never visited them before. It was pouring the rain so we didn't get to explore as much as we wanted but the scenery was nice and it gave us a chance to have a long talk. We talked about fitness and nutrition. Cameron has said from day one that he didn't care if I lost the weight or not. He would love me either way. I 100% believe him.  On our ride he did say that he can't wait until I lose more weight because he's enjoying being active with me. He's looking forward to experiencing life with me, rather than me always being a spectator. I have to say that I really enjoyed going for the bike ride with him and I look forward to the many more to come. 

My new bike 

I love this man! 

Our rainy journey

This picture doesn't do it justice

A crane. Scared the crap out of me, lol.

On the go

I am going to be on the go for the 3rd day in a row. I woke up, had a protein shake to start my day off right I then packed my snacks and lunch to assure that I will stay on track today. I NEED to learn that simply being away from home doesn't mean I can't stay on track. I need to take these extra steps and prepare in advance.

Last night was super tough. I was over a friends house and no one in that family cares anything about proper nutrition and it shows. My heart broke for my friend's nephew who sat at a computer all day with headphones on, eating a box of Chicken in a Biscuit and drinking pop. He's 11 years old and he's obese. It's very heartbreaking. However, his father, also obese, often sits at the same computer with the same headphones snacking into the wee hours of the night. What are we modeling to our children today, America? Let's strive to be good examples to our children because basically, we're killing them if we don't. 

Memorial Day Weekend

I think I am finally out of the emotional funk I was in. THANK GOD! I am re-focused and ready to work! 

Today, our family went to a cook-out with some friends of ours. It turned out great. I was really nervous but I planned ahead and everything was great. I was worried for nothing. It helped a ton that our friends were completely understanding of my new lifestyle change. My day wasn't as clean as I would have liked to have seen it, however, I am seeing so much improvement with the choices I am making. I tend to do a great job throughout the week, when I am home and on schedule. The weekends are where I really struggle. Tomorrow we're getting together with some other friends for our annual memorial day weekend Nascar party. Again, I have planned ahead to hopefully avoid any mishaps.

I've started to increase my fitness level a bit. I am still walking but I have added in some workout videos as well as light strength training/Pilates/Etc. Cameron mentioned today that he thought I really benefited from going to Curves. I told him it was something that I need to think through. I am still torn on the whole gym issue. 

Emotions

I was not fully prepared for how emotional this journey was going to be. There are so many things being stirred up inside me (both positive and negative). I keep having to remind myself that I trying to get healthy, not skinny. I keep fighting with myself. Comparing myself to others. I often feel like I am not accepted or taken seriously in life because of my weight. It's seen as a handicap. I want to be accepted. I want to fit it.  Wait, no! I want to NOT CARE about what other people think of me. I want people to like me no matter what my weight is. I don't want people to suddenly want to be my friend because I lose 100 pounds. I know I am not making much sense right now because I am a blubbering mess! I figured it was still a good idea to get these thoughts out of my body and not dwell on them. Even though I want other people to accept me, I want ME to accept me. God loves me for me. I need to learn to do the same.

When they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Reflection

Look at me 
You may think you see 
Who I really am 
But you'll never know me 
Every day 
It's as if I play a part 
Now I see 
If I wear a mask 
I can fool the world 
But I cannot fool my heart 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

I am now 
In a world where I 
Have to hide my heart 
And what I believe in 
But somehow 
I will show the world 
What's inside my heart 
And be loved for who I am 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
Why is my reflection 
Someone I don't know? 
Must I pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

There's a heart that must be 
Free to fly 
That burns with a need to know 
The reason why 

Why must we all conceal 
What we think, how we feel? 
Must there be a secret me 
I'm forced to hide? 
I won't pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside?

Could be worse

I am having a REALLY crappy day. You know, one of those days where your prayers are more sobbing than words. I feel guilty even being upset because no matter how bad my problems seem to me, there are so many out there struggling far worse than I am, or ever will. A family lost their young son to cancer this week. A massive tornado wiped out an entire city. Lives were lost and homes were destroyed. I am glad that no matter what I go through in life God is there to heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. I serve a loving God. 

Warning: Venting!!!

 Ok, I REALLY need to vent right now. I get really upset when people lose a bunch weight eating garbage when I am busting my butt trying to log every calorie I consume. Not only am I logging how many calories I consume, but I am trying to be smart about which foods I consume. GRRR!!! I am completely frustrated right now. I just don't comprehend how people can eat pizza and drink regular pop and lose 37 lbs in 3 weeks. 

Then there's my lovely husband who eats spicy chicken sandwiches and drinks Coke like no ones business. Every week when I weigh in he weighs in after me. Usually, he loses MORE than me. He's not even trying! He's even stated that he could care less about his nutrition. 

***TANTRUM***

Why can't I lose large amounts of weight?? I don't get it!!! I want to succeed so bad... I can taste it!!!

Focus

After a not so glorious week I thought it would be a good idea to remind myself what I am working towards. I need to stay focused. Quitting is not an option this time.

What I'm working towards:

To be able to fly so I can go on a mission trip.

To go to an amusement park and actually enjoy myself

To be able to buy off the rack in any store, and to be more feminine.  

Family fitness.

I am striving to become physically fit.

 I also want my family to be able to enjoy things, together,

 such as hiking and bike rides.

I want to inspire them to be healthy. 

Forgiveness

Today was not one of my best days. I made mistakes. I am angry with myself and I will be for a while I need to learn to forgive myself but I am just not sure how. 

I sat on the couch watching tv, eating Doritos **lowers head in shame** As I sat there I mentioned to my husband that I wish I could have weightloss surgery. Then the thought came into my head, that although my stomach would be smaller, I still would have major sell control issues. I don't want to eat less of the bad stuff. I want to quit eating it altogether. I don't want to eat a few more healthy options. I want to eat only healthy options. People often ask me why I am so strict with my  daily diet and why I rarely treat myself. It's fear. I am terrified that, like today, I wouldn't be able to stop. I am not sure what it is,  but it starts with one little taste of something and then the next thing I know I have ruined my entire day. 

I need to start over preparing on the days that we are going to be away from home all day. That way I would have no other option but to eat what I prepared.

Tomorrow is a new day. My 30th birthday, actually. I will not quit. I will move forward. I will continue this journey. I will learn to forgive.

I am so thankful that God forgives me of my sins and does't think twice about them. He doesn't dwell on them. He simply forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

5k

I walked a 5k yesterday. I know, some of you are thinking, "5k? That's my warm up!" For me, this was an accomplishment  I struggled, I am not going to lie. For a split second I thought I was going to faint. I finished, without stopping *dances* I am looking forward to walking the same distance over the next few months and seeing my times get shorter and not struggling as bad to complete it. I'm thankful that I have a friend/trainer/(life)coach in my life who is there to push me, and believe in me. It's making this journey a lot easier.

God's teaching me a lot lately. Much like the walk that I took yesterday, we often feel weak and tired in our Christian walk. The awesome thing is, God is there to take the walk right along side us. He's training us. He believes in us.

Breathless

I am having trouble coming up with words to sum up this past week. I spent most of this week breathless and in complete awe of God. I am honored to even have been a part of such an event. I was blessed to be chosen to coordinate it. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, our church became a homeless shelter for one week. A group of 28 individuals changed my life forever. I barely slept. I barely sat down. I was physically and mentally exhausted and I would do it all again, in a heartbeat.

3.2lbs

My loss this week was awesome, 3.2lbs! For a minute there I was only getting a few losses of under 1lb. Needless to say I wasn't happy because I was putting in so much effort. Now I know that my losses will change from week to week, I might hit a plateau next week ( I have a super busy stressful week ahead) For now, I will celebrate my loss for THIS WEEK. **happy dance**

Next week our church is hosting ChristNet which is a revolving homeless shelter  We will house 30 homeless individuals for a week. I am coordinating this event. I will not be getting much sleep. There will be TONS of food temptations around me. I will not be able to get my exercise in as planned. Here is where I want to freak out and go into full panic mode. By the sounds of it I am setting myself up for failure. Here is where I need to have a plan. 

1.) Plan out my meals in advance and take healthy snacks and meals so I am prepared.

2.) Carry water with me at all times and DRINK DRINK DRINK

3.) Let other people help me when they offer rather than trying to take on so much by myself (I often struggle with this one)

4.) Get creative with my exercise  Even if I have to walk the same path around the church a few times, I will. I need to make sure I am moving as much as possible. 

5.) Remain calm. I know, easier said that done, right? Freaking out is not going to help me on this journey. I am going to stay focused and in control at all times (the best I can)