Disappointment

I don't understand why it is impossible for me to have self control. I shouldn't need someone holding my hand telling me what to eat and when. The fact of the matter is, I do. I am not ready to "on my own." I am really looking forward to going back to curves. I really need to be back there. I am hoping that I will make great progress. 

I have started to fall back to my old eating habits. Of course the scale is reflecting my dumb choices. This week confirmed my belief that stress is detrimental to my health. I NEED to get on schedule and keep it no matter what life throws at me. I want to take some time today to sit down and meal plan. 

Cameron is doing a lot better job of supporting me and I've even been seeing him make some better choices with his eating. He encourages me to go on bike rides with him when we have a chance to. He pushes me when I need to be pushed and he rests with me when I need to rest. I am LOVING our new lifestyle. We've has so much fun this summer taking small hikes on nature trails, riding our bikes and visiting places that in the past that I couldn't or wouldn't go. We're even talking about taking a trip up north to his Uncle's cabin in September for our 9th anniversary. We've been checking out places to explore and hike. We've even discussed going canoeing. That's a huge deal for me. Fat people don't willingly get in boats. 

So, back to tracking what I eat and exercising. This is going to be a challenge. Cameron's aunt is about to lose her nearly 3 year battle with liver cancer. He's extremely close to his aunt. We will be spending a ton of time at the funeral home and visiting family. Ugh. Hopefully I can prepare and pack a cooler  and maybe Cameron and I can sneak away to subway when needed. 

I could never do the Biggest Loser. The thought of being away from my husband and children for that long makes me sick. However, I do wish I could go somewhere, had my food monitored for a week or two. Have a personal trainer. Just to get a jumpstart. I need to go to fat camp. 

Healthy on a Budget

Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices. This is becoming all too familiar lately. I've set up a plan to make sure that we can afford to eat healthy all month long. I've divided our food budget into 4 weeks. I will then meal plan for the week before I go to the store (using sales and coupons along the way.) I plan to make a weekly trip to our local discount produce store to stock up on all my yummy fruits and veggies.

  I am 99% sure that at the end of the month, we are shutting off the cable so I can join a gym. I've enjoyed the work that I have been doing so far but I need more. It's time to step up my fitness level. My friend that has been helping me is currently in training for a big event and she needs to focus more on her (my words not hers). So, my options are quit or keep going. I am not quitting. I've come too far to turn back now. Although my progress on the scale has been slow there has been huge improvement all around.

In order for me to be able to go to the gym I will have to completely change my schedule. I will be waking up between 6-6:30, showering, slamming a protein shake and then heading off to the gym. I will then get home in just enough time to pass hubby as he runs out the door for work. This is going to take a ton of discipline on my end. I have been trying to do a better job of keeping up on the housework. However, my 7 month old is going through some sort of a needy phase and screams if I set her down. You can imagine how difficult it has been for me to accomplish anything. I am also in the early stages of homeschool planning. It wont be long before the kids are back to their lessons (we start in August  in order to space out our school year and allow more breaks.

The (rough draft) Plan: 

Drink half my body weight worth of water.

Gym - Monday, Wednesday, Friday mornings

Walking on the rest of the days. 

Adjust my eating a little bit more.  

Keep going

Just being real here. I find that not quitting is often harder than starting in the first place. I am in a bit of a lazy rut. I have zero energy. I am still doing good on my eating but my physical activity level is way down this week. I had my first gain this week. I put on .6 pounds. Now, you think that'd be motivation for me to work harder. Instead, I let myself get depressed. I let myself dwell on it far too long. I had my moment to sulk, now it's time to get back to work. Laying on the couch isn't making that .6 pounds ago away. 

Pressing on

Every day I have to fight off negative thoughts. Here are just a a few of the things that go through my head on a daily basis:

You are not worth it.

What's the point?

You will never succeed.

No one cares. 

You are not strong enough.

I can either choose to believe these things and give up or, rebuke them and keep going. You see, these thoughts are not of God. God has big plans for me, and he's going to use me in a mighty way to do his work. Satan wants me to fail. Do you think I am going to let him win? No! My God is greater.  

I have said from the beginning that I wanted to do this without any pills or surgery. Since making that decision I have actually had  one friend start taking supplements/shakes/pills and another recently had weight-loss surgery. I didn't know how challenging it would be for me to watch them lose drastic amounts of weight. I want to be happy for them. They deserve to be/healthy just as much as I do. It's just... hard. Still, my decision remains. I want to do this with no pills and no surgery. 

Sometimes I feel guilty focusing on me. I've always put everyone else's needs ahead of mine. I also find that it's hard to balance my time between being a wife, mom, Sunday school teacher, homeschool teacher, cook,  maid, chauffeur.... then you add workouts and food prep onto that. It's getting a little easier as the days go on but it can still be quite overwhelming at times. 

I was on Pinterest last night looking for homeschool ideas and I came across some quotes that really seemed to fit this part of my journey. I thought I'd share:

Whole-Wheat Banana Bread

I am trying to encourage my family to make better choices with their food. I've been trying to buy less processed foods. I've also been experimenting with some "clean" recipes. Today I decided to make some Whole-Wheat Banana Bread. I found the original recipe here. I made some changes to fit our tastes/nutritional needs. The kids are really excited to have this tomorrow for breakfast.

INGREDIENTS

• 2 1/4c.  whole-wheat flour
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3 ripe bananas, mashed
• 1/4c. plain Greek yogurt 
• 1/4c. honey
• 1/3c. + 2 Tbls unsweetened applesauce 
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla
• 1/4c. black walnuts

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and grease pan.
2. Whisk together the flour, baking soda, nuts, and salt.
3. In a separate bowl mix mashed bananas with yogurt, honey, eggs, applesauce, and vanilla.
4. Fold the banana mixture into the flour mixture until blended. Do not overmix.
5. Pour batter into prepared pan.
6. Bake large loaf for 40 – 50 minutes or until it comes clean with a toothpick.

Bikes

I have been overweight since I could remember. As a kid I could ride a bike but, it was always a challenge to keep up with the other kids. Then, there was the knee injury that I had in 6th grade. After that I wasn't very active at all. I used the injury as an excuse. After doing a year of physical therapy I COULD be active again. I simply chose not to. 

When Cameron and I were dating, I tried to ride a bike again and I was so out of shape that I cried/whined the entire time and we stopped like a MILLION times. He refused to go with me any more. I really don't blame him. 

I had recently been showing in interest in wanting to try to ride again. Cameron wanted me to lose a significant amount of weight first. However, I am losing at a low slower pace than he had expected. So, we went bike shopping. We were just going to look. Much to my surprise we walked out of there with no only one, but TWO new bikes. 

I was terrified to even get on the bike, much less ride the thing. I told myself that I would take it a  few houses at a time. Off we went. Around the block. I survived. I rode a bike again! After a short rest and some adjusting of seats and handlebars we set out again, this time going a little farther. After that I was done. I was pleased with what I had accomplished so we put the bikes away in my mother in law's garage and headed in to eat lunch. I had packed our lunches as an attempt to save money and keep me on track with my calories. 

Cameron then gets this bright idea to go for another ride. To his Aunts. After 10 minutes of throwing a fit and begging him not to,  we were on our way. 1 mile to his Aunts and then another .5 miles around to make the full circle. It was extremely tough and we had to stop a few times so I could stand up and get cramps out of my legs. We did it though. I had to have a talk with Cameron though, about the difference between encouraging someone and pushing them a bit and then pushing them too far. I felt like it was getting close to too far. I was beginning to feel pain. Not the "feel the burn" kind of pain either. I survived though. My legs were screaming the next morning through. A leg massage was a MUST. Thankfully my sweet hubby volunteered before I even asked. 

After our long bike ride we headed to the metropark to buy our yearly pass. The kids needed to take their naps so we decided to go for a drive. We ended up driving for a few hours and checking out a bunch of the other Michigan metroparks since we had never visited them before. It was pouring the rain so we didn't get to explore as much as we wanted but the scenery was nice and it gave us a chance to have a long talk. We talked about fitness and nutrition. Cameron has said from day one that he didn't care if I lost the weight or not. He would love me either way. I 100% believe him.  On our ride he did say that he can't wait until I lose more weight because he's enjoying being active with me. He's looking forward to experiencing life with me, rather than me always being a spectator. I have to say that I really enjoyed going for the bike ride with him and I look forward to the many more to come. 

My new bike 

I love this man! 

Our rainy journey

This picture doesn't do it justice

A crane. Scared the crap out of me, lol.

On the go

I am going to be on the go for the 3rd day in a row. I woke up, had a protein shake to start my day off right I then packed my snacks and lunch to assure that I will stay on track today. I NEED to learn that simply being away from home doesn't mean I can't stay on track. I need to take these extra steps and prepare in advance.

Last night was super tough. I was over a friends house and no one in that family cares anything about proper nutrition and it shows. My heart broke for my friend's nephew who sat at a computer all day with headphones on, eating a box of Chicken in a Biscuit and drinking pop. He's 11 years old and he's obese. It's very heartbreaking. However, his father, also obese, often sits at the same computer with the same headphones snacking into the wee hours of the night. What are we modeling to our children today, America? Let's strive to be good examples to our children because basically, we're killing them if we don't. 

Memorial Day Weekend

I think I am finally out of the emotional funk I was in. THANK GOD! I am re-focused and ready to work! 

Today, our family went to a cook-out with some friends of ours. It turned out great. I was really nervous but I planned ahead and everything was great. I was worried for nothing. It helped a ton that our friends were completely understanding of my new lifestyle change. My day wasn't as clean as I would have liked to have seen it, however, I am seeing so much improvement with the choices I am making. I tend to do a great job throughout the week, when I am home and on schedule. The weekends are where I really struggle. Tomorrow we're getting together with some other friends for our annual memorial day weekend Nascar party. Again, I have planned ahead to hopefully avoid any mishaps.

I've started to increase my fitness level a bit. I am still walking but I have added in some workout videos as well as light strength training/Pilates/Etc. Cameron mentioned today that he thought I really benefited from going to Curves. I told him it was something that I need to think through. I am still torn on the whole gym issue. 

Emotions

I was not fully prepared for how emotional this journey was going to be. There are so many things being stirred up inside me (both positive and negative). I keep having to remind myself that I trying to get healthy, not skinny. I keep fighting with myself. Comparing myself to others. I often feel like I am not accepted or taken seriously in life because of my weight. It's seen as a handicap. I want to be accepted. I want to fit it.  Wait, no! I want to NOT CARE about what other people think of me. I want people to like me no matter what my weight is. I don't want people to suddenly want to be my friend because I lose 100 pounds. I know I am not making much sense right now because I am a blubbering mess! I figured it was still a good idea to get these thoughts out of my body and not dwell on them. Even though I want other people to accept me, I want ME to accept me. God loves me for me. I need to learn to do the same.

When they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Reflection

Look at me 
You may think you see 
Who I really am 
But you'll never know me 
Every day 
It's as if I play a part 
Now I see 
If I wear a mask 
I can fool the world 
But I cannot fool my heart 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

I am now 
In a world where I 
Have to hide my heart 
And what I believe in 
But somehow 
I will show the world 
What's inside my heart 
And be loved for who I am 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
Why is my reflection 
Someone I don't know? 
Must I pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

There's a heart that must be 
Free to fly 
That burns with a need to know 
The reason why 

Why must we all conceal 
What we think, how we feel? 
Must there be a secret me 
I'm forced to hide? 
I won't pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside?

Could be worse

I am having a REALLY crappy day. You know, one of those days where your prayers are more sobbing than words. I feel guilty even being upset because no matter how bad my problems seem to me, there are so many out there struggling far worse than I am, or ever will. A family lost their young son to cancer this week. A massive tornado wiped out an entire city. Lives were lost and homes were destroyed. I am glad that no matter what I go through in life God is there to heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. I serve a loving God. 

Warning: Venting!!!

 Ok, I REALLY need to vent right now. I get really upset when people lose a bunch weight eating garbage when I am busting my butt trying to log every calorie I consume. Not only am I logging how many calories I consume, but I am trying to be smart about which foods I consume. GRRR!!! I am completely frustrated right now. I just don't comprehend how people can eat pizza and drink regular pop and lose 37 lbs in 3 weeks. 

Then there's my lovely husband who eats spicy chicken sandwiches and drinks Coke like no ones business. Every week when I weigh in he weighs in after me. Usually, he loses MORE than me. He's not even trying! He's even stated that he could care less about his nutrition. 

***TANTRUM***

Why can't I lose large amounts of weight?? I don't get it!!! I want to succeed so bad... I can taste it!!!

Focus

After a not so glorious week I thought it would be a good idea to remind myself what I am working towards. I need to stay focused. Quitting is not an option this time.

What I'm working towards:

To be able to fly so I can go on a mission trip.

To go to an amusement park and actually enjoy myself

To be able to buy off the rack in any store, and to be more feminine.  

Family fitness.

I am striving to become physically fit.

 I also want my family to be able to enjoy things, together,

 such as hiking and bike rides.

I want to inspire them to be healthy. 

Forgiveness

Today was not one of my best days. I made mistakes. I am angry with myself and I will be for a while I need to learn to forgive myself but I am just not sure how. 

I sat on the couch watching tv, eating Doritos **lowers head in shame** As I sat there I mentioned to my husband that I wish I could have weightloss surgery. Then the thought came into my head, that although my stomach would be smaller, I still would have major sell control issues. I don't want to eat less of the bad stuff. I want to quit eating it altogether. I don't want to eat a few more healthy options. I want to eat only healthy options. People often ask me why I am so strict with my  daily diet and why I rarely treat myself. It's fear. I am terrified that, like today, I wouldn't be able to stop. I am not sure what it is,  but it starts with one little taste of something and then the next thing I know I have ruined my entire day. 

I need to start over preparing on the days that we are going to be away from home all day. That way I would have no other option but to eat what I prepared.

Tomorrow is a new day. My 30th birthday, actually. I will not quit. I will move forward. I will continue this journey. I will learn to forgive.

I am so thankful that God forgives me of my sins and does't think twice about them. He doesn't dwell on them. He simply forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

5k

I walked a 5k yesterday. I know, some of you are thinking, "5k? That's my warm up!" For me, this was an accomplishment  I struggled, I am not going to lie. For a split second I thought I was going to faint. I finished, without stopping *dances* I am looking forward to walking the same distance over the next few months and seeing my times get shorter and not struggling as bad to complete it. I'm thankful that I have a friend/trainer/(life)coach in my life who is there to push me, and believe in me. It's making this journey a lot easier.

God's teaching me a lot lately. Much like the walk that I took yesterday, we often feel weak and tired in our Christian walk. The awesome thing is, God is there to take the walk right along side us. He's training us. He believes in us.

Breathless

I am having trouble coming up with words to sum up this past week. I spent most of this week breathless and in complete awe of God. I am honored to even have been a part of such an event. I was blessed to be chosen to coordinate it. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, our church became a homeless shelter for one week. A group of 28 individuals changed my life forever. I barely slept. I barely sat down. I was physically and mentally exhausted and I would do it all again, in a heartbeat.

3.2lbs

My loss this week was awesome, 3.2lbs! For a minute there I was only getting a few losses of under 1lb. Needless to say I wasn't happy because I was putting in so much effort. Now I know that my losses will change from week to week, I might hit a plateau next week ( I have a super busy stressful week ahead) For now, I will celebrate my loss for THIS WEEK. **happy dance**

Next week our church is hosting ChristNet which is a revolving homeless shelter  We will house 30 homeless individuals for a week. I am coordinating this event. I will not be getting much sleep. There will be TONS of food temptations around me. I will not be able to get my exercise in as planned. Here is where I want to freak out and go into full panic mode. By the sounds of it I am setting myself up for failure. Here is where I need to have a plan. 

1.) Plan out my meals in advance and take healthy snacks and meals so I am prepared.

2.) Carry water with me at all times and DRINK DRINK DRINK

3.) Let other people help me when they offer rather than trying to take on so much by myself (I often struggle with this one)

4.) Get creative with my exercise  Even if I have to walk the same path around the church a few times, I will. I need to make sure I am moving as much as possible. 

5.) Remain calm. I know, easier said that done, right? Freaking out is not going to help me on this journey. I am going to stay focused and in control at all times (the best I can)

It's getting real up in here

If you've watched a recent season of The Biggest Loser, you've probably noticed the armbands that they are wearing. Well, I bought one. It's called the BodyMedia Fit LINK. It monitors my calories burned, steps, sleep and a few other things that I am still learning about. It came in the mail yesterday and after a few hours of charging and tech support (me driving to Nina's for help) it was on my body. I slept with the thing on last night and it wasn't uncomfortable at all like I had worried it might be. I am loving watching my stats change as I move more. I still have a lot to learn, right now. I am just trying to let it monitor my normal day so I can see how my body is working. 

I am a month into this journey. I've lost a little over 11 pounds so far *dances* When Cameron gets home from work later I plan on taking some 1 month pictures. I might not be able to see my progress just yet and I understand that. Still nice to have pictures to look back on. This is getting real. I am actually doing this!!

FAT

Today at (home)school Trinity, my 4 year old, was working on learning to read. We were working on the iPad when her next word came up. The letters came up F...A...T. "Fat!Just like you, Mommy" she yelled. She immediately froze in her tracks. "I am sorry I said that to you, Mommy" she said. I just sat there silent for a moment because I didn't want to overreact. I closed my eyes and the Lord reminded me that this week in church they were learning about forgiveness. I told her that I forgave her and encouraged her to use her words wisely. 

I was CRUSHED!! I felt like I was back in middle school again getting teased. This time is was different though. It was my own daughter, who is 4 years old. Then I got to thinking. Was she wrong? Don't get me wrong, I am not going to allow her to run around calling people names, but was she really wrong? Yes, she was disrespectful to me which I don't agree with. However, I am FAT. I am choosing to change that but still, I am FAT. 

Growing up, any time I said that I was fat I was immediately scolded. " Don't say that about yourself. That's not true!" Really people? I have been morbidly obese as long as I can remember. Did you really think that if I didn't say it out loud, that I would just forget it existed? Lately childhood obesity has really been weighing heavily on my heart. We need to do something. Pretending the problem does't exist is not fixing anything. Maybe God has plans, somehow, for me to help the "fat kids" *shrugs*

Do all to the glory of God

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God 
1 Corinthians 10:31

Lately I have been having a pity party. I was feeling like my "job" as a homeschooling Mom wasn't important. I mean, I don't get a paycheck doing what I do. Don't get me wrong here. I LOVE my children. I have just been in a rut. Day after day it's the same thing. I clean the same rooms only to get messed up. I change tons of diapers. What for? There's no fancy office. No promotions. No bonuses. What's the point?

The point is that God called me to stay home with these kids and to disciple them. This is God's plan. He put me here for a reason. Every poppy diaper, every spilled bowl of cereal, every load of laundry is all part of God's plan for my family. 

"Do all to the glory of God." I need to stop my pity party and change my mindset. I am not being punished here. This is a blessing. God chose me. He wants me to do the best job I can no matter what I am doing. He deserves the glory... IN EVERYTHING.

Whether it's in my marriage, weight-loss, child rearing, homemaking or my spiritual walk with the Lord, I will strive to do the absolute best I can... IN EVERYTHING.

I feel like a monster.

I am not taking this journey to be skinny. I am taking this journey to change as a person in MANY different aspects of my life. I'll be honest with you though. I hate my body. I've been feeling great, staying on track, things have been going really good. Yesterday as I got dressed to go walking I happened to glance in the mirror at myself and I lost it. I'm hideous. I am mad at myself for letting it get so out of hand. I am also pretty disappointed in my family/friends that NO ONE told me. I mean, that's not what you really WANT to hear but I honestly wish someone would have pulled me aside and given me a wake up call.

I was telling my husband the other day that even when I've lost 50 pounds I will still be fat. People will still give looks and make rude remarks. They will still judge me without knowing my story. This is a hard one for me to deal with. I've always battled with acceptance issues in life. I just want to blend in for once. I feel like a monster. The looks people give me sometimes shatter me inside.

Without getting into too much personal detail, when the weight is gone, I am going to need plastic surgery. That's already been determined by my doctor, my husband and myself. There are some problem areas that once all the fat is gone, the skin is not going to go back to where it should be. I CAN'T AFFORD SURGERY!!!  I have to wear "spanx" right now just to hide it and I think it's going to get worse, not better. I HATE IT. I am being honest and real here people. This is really hard for me to admit and deal with.

I want to run away and hide forever never to be seen again in the outside world. Unfortunately that is not an option. I am just going to have to work through my issues and keep going. God doesn't want me to quit. He has a plan for my life. I need to trust him and do my part.

The eating, the exercise, they are all easy compared to the emotional side of this journey. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Even when I am I am in the lowest valley, God is still by my side cheering me on. 

Hereditary

My entire life I have heard family members make excuses as to why we're all fat. Some of them said that we are just "built different with bigger bones." I also heard that it's "simply hereditary."  I actually believed this until a few years ago where I started digging deeper into this idea. Here's what I've come up with. The only thing that I have inherited from my family is laziness and poor eating habits. I am determined to break this cycle and prove to my family that we don't HAVE to accept being fat and unhealthy. My father died of a massive heart attack due to obesity related issues. He was 48 years old. Something needs to change in my family before it's too late. 

Boston

Yesterday there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon. 3 lives were lost ( one was a little boy ) and an estimated 154 were injured. So many thoughts have been on my mind. There is an alarming amount of tragedy in our world these days. I have comfort in knowing that my God is here with me through it all. Sadly, there are many who do not have that same comfort. This world needs Jesus in a big way. 

I just keep thinking that somewhere in that group of runners was someone who probably started their journey much like I have. They traveled on a road starting at rock bottom and heading for victory. Yesterday, that was stolen from them. 

As I was watching the new coverage I saw a Dad running carrying a baby girl that looked to be the same age as my Sydney. I completely LOST it. The horror and fear he must have felt as he rushed that baby to safety. 

Another picture from the new coverage that touched me was that of a father pushing his special needs son across the finish line at the time of the explosion. 

Thank God Cameron asked me to tag along on a HUD inspection. I HAD to get away from the TV. After we were done with the inspection I had to run to Kroger to get a few quick things. As I was in the store, all the emotions of the day hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a melt down in the middle of the store. Suddenly, everything I had learned recently began to head out the window. My brain kept thinking about chocolate, pop and salty snacks. I felt like I needed "comfort foods." It was a rough moment for me. I finally calmed myself down and headed to the organic section. I would allow myself to have a modest piece of dark chocolate. I grabbed it and quickly proceeded to the check out line before I was tempted anymore. I was REALLY close to buying junk. Sigh. 

Today is a new day and I am refocusing. While I continue to pray for Boston I can't just sit in front of the tv all day dwelling. My plan? Keep busy. I plan to give the house a deep cleaning and to focus on doing "school" with Trinity. After Cameron gets home from work I plan on going for a walk. I downloaded a new App on my phone to help track my distances and times. I am looking forward to putting it to work. 

Take me out to the ballgame

The Broker at Cameron's office was giving away a set of tickets to a Detroit Tigers game. I had never been to a baseball game and Cameron wanted me to go with him. He quickly snagged the tickets and away we went. I had so many things going through my head as we pulled into our parking spot. Could I fit in the seats? Could I resist the temptation of all those foods? Would I get hit in the face with a baseball? Could I even handle walking that far to the stadium? I was determined, for once in my life to not let my fears run my life. I was going to experience this with my husband and I was determined to have fun doing it. (Which I did and I can't wait to go again! )

We made it into the stadium and got to our seats. END SEATS! Thank you God! I fit comfortably in the chairs. Crisis avoided. It was super cold and rainy but we were enjoying each other's company. Then, the game started. My plan? Duck and cover. Thankfully no stray balls came into the stands where we were sitting. Another crisis avoided! The vendors walked up and down the isles offering sugary drinks, cotton candy, hot dogs, peanuts... You could smell the pizza and french fries cooking behind us. There was candy, soft pretzels, nachos, chips, hamburgers.... It all smelled completely amazing. 

I resisted all the temptation. I did not eat a thing. Not even with my husband eating junk next to me. 

 After the game, we headed to a nice dinner at Applebees. They have a few meals under 550 calories. I chose the Roasted garlic Sirloin. YUMMY!! I felt AMAZING yesterday.  Imagine what I would have felt like if I had allowed myself to consume the grease and sugar at the game? 

I have spent today watching documentaries on Netflix to try to understand the obsession with junk food in America. It's like an epidemic! 

First holiday in the books

I had a wonderful time celebrating Easter with my family. I was kind of relieved that dinner was just myself, hubby and the kids. I am a social eater so family holidays tend to be me eating... and eating... and eating. We sat down and had a nice balanced meal and I cleaned up the leftovers right away to send to my Mom's so I wasn't temped to graze all day. My Mom and Grandparents stopped by later in the day for dessert. I enjoyed a small piece of cherry pie with scoop of frozen yogurt. 

Me and Hubby with our youngest, Sydney.

Before

Well, there has to be a before if there is going to be an after, right? I hate to even look at these photos much less share them online but I felt it was necessary for me to see how bad it really is and to give myself a point of reference on my journey. So here we go... 

 

\

Day 2

The Good:

I ate 3 meals 2 days in a row.

I have this weird urge to exercise ( CRAZY, I KNOW! )

I am drinking my water like crazy.

God is good.  

The Bad:
I have to start waking up earlier. I can't eat keep eating breakfast at 10am. 

Planning healthy dinners is harder than I thought.

I have a Coke Zero addiction. 

I have a huge fear of failing and it's only day 2. 

My Goals:

Walk 15-30 minutes tonight.

Get my butt out of bed by 8am.
Get measured as a starting point.

Drink MORE water. 

BIBLE STUDY. I've been slacking this week. I need to get back on track tonight. 

Fresh Start

Long Term Goals

Fly

Ride Roller Coaster

Run a Mile

See a 1 in front of my weight 

Be able to buy clothes NOT in a plus size store. 

Short Term Goals:

Track my eating 

Get moving

Get water intake daily

Get on a schedule

Eat Breakfast DAILY

Inspiration

The Bible

My husband

My kids

Others who've done this before me

My own determination to break the cycle

You're about to take a journey.

 Embrace it. Enjoy it. Endure it.

You are worth it!

Below is a video I made for myself as a starting point. 

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom: A state of being wherein you feel as if you cannot sink any lower emotionally, psychologically, or physically.

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I have officially hit rock bottom
When you cant get any lower, the only way to go is up, right?

I have been overweight as long as I can remember. The thing is, I always LOOKED fat, but never really FELT fat. Until now. I hate who I have become. There, I said it. I HATE MYSELF. This breaks my heart because my Bible teaches me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." Maybe that's the way I was made... but what have I done with the body that God has given me? I've destroyed it. How can I be the hands and feet of God if I am bed ridden??

My 4 year old daughter was sitting on my bed chatting with me while I changed clothes one day and she said to me "Mommy, how come your back isn't flat like mine and Zachary's?" Wow! My 4 year old noticed my fat rolls. Then, it really sunk in for me. If I did not change, what would my kid's life look like in 10 years? Would they even have a Mother? Would I be dead? Would they get made fun of because I was an embarrassment?  Would I be sitting on a bench in the park while my kids beg me to play with them?? My kids deserve better. 

I am in a rough place right now. I feel toxic. The chemicals in the food ( if you can even call it that ) we've been eating are making me feel so sick. I feel sluggish and... just blah.

I weighed myself this morning. I am 2 pounds under my HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER. Ouch!

Ok, so where do I go from here? Up, right? How do I do that? I've been toying with the idea of weight loss surgery. I have mixed emotions. I feel like it would be a cop out. I also feel like it might be my only hope. I've tried... and tried.... and tried. What am I doing wrong? I mean, it's one thing to never try, but when you ACTUALLY make an attempt to change and fail, it kinda kills your self esteem. 

Eat healthy and exercise. Sounds simple, right? *sigh*

I am going to get fit/healthy... or die trying!