It's getting real up in here

If you've watched a recent season of The Biggest Loser, you've probably noticed the armbands that they are wearing. Well, I bought one. It's called the BodyMedia Fit LINK. It monitors my calories burned, steps, sleep and a few other things that I am still learning about. It came in the mail yesterday and after a few hours of charging and tech support (me driving to Nina's for help) it was on my body. I slept with the thing on last night and it wasn't uncomfortable at all like I had worried it might be. I am loving watching my stats change as I move more. I still have a lot to learn, right now. I am just trying to let it monitor my normal day so I can see how my body is working. 

I am a month into this journey. I've lost a little over 11 pounds so far *dances* When Cameron gets home from work later I plan on taking some 1 month pictures. I might not be able to see my progress just yet and I understand that. Still nice to have pictures to look back on. This is getting real. I am actually doing this!!

FAT

Today at (home)school Trinity, my 4 year old, was working on learning to read. We were working on the iPad when her next word came up. The letters came up F...A...T. "Fat!Just like you, Mommy" she yelled. She immediately froze in her tracks. "I am sorry I said that to you, Mommy" she said. I just sat there silent for a moment because I didn't want to overreact. I closed my eyes and the Lord reminded me that this week in church they were learning about forgiveness. I told her that I forgave her and encouraged her to use her words wisely. 

I was CRUSHED!! I felt like I was back in middle school again getting teased. This time is was different though. It was my own daughter, who is 4 years old. Then I got to thinking. Was she wrong? Don't get me wrong, I am not going to allow her to run around calling people names, but was she really wrong? Yes, she was disrespectful to me which I don't agree with. However, I am FAT. I am choosing to change that but still, I am FAT. 

Growing up, any time I said that I was fat I was immediately scolded. " Don't say that about yourself. That's not true!" Really people? I have been morbidly obese as long as I can remember. Did you really think that if I didn't say it out loud, that I would just forget it existed? Lately childhood obesity has really been weighing heavily on my heart. We need to do something. Pretending the problem does't exist is not fixing anything. Maybe God has plans, somehow, for me to help the "fat kids" *shrugs*

Do all to the glory of God

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God 
1 Corinthians 10:31

Lately I have been having a pity party. I was feeling like my "job" as a homeschooling Mom wasn't important. I mean, I don't get a paycheck doing what I do. Don't get me wrong here. I LOVE my children. I have just been in a rut. Day after day it's the same thing. I clean the same rooms only to get messed up. I change tons of diapers. What for? There's no fancy office. No promotions. No bonuses. What's the point?

The point is that God called me to stay home with these kids and to disciple them. This is God's plan. He put me here for a reason. Every poppy diaper, every spilled bowl of cereal, every load of laundry is all part of God's plan for my family. 

"Do all to the glory of God." I need to stop my pity party and change my mindset. I am not being punished here. This is a blessing. God chose me. He wants me to do the best job I can no matter what I am doing. He deserves the glory... IN EVERYTHING.

Whether it's in my marriage, weight-loss, child rearing, homemaking or my spiritual walk with the Lord, I will strive to do the absolute best I can... IN EVERYTHING.

I feel like a monster.

I am not taking this journey to be skinny. I am taking this journey to change as a person in MANY different aspects of my life. I'll be honest with you though. I hate my body. I've been feeling great, staying on track, things have been going really good. Yesterday as I got dressed to go walking I happened to glance in the mirror at myself and I lost it. I'm hideous. I am mad at myself for letting it get so out of hand. I am also pretty disappointed in my family/friends that NO ONE told me. I mean, that's not what you really WANT to hear but I honestly wish someone would have pulled me aside and given me a wake up call.

I was telling my husband the other day that even when I've lost 50 pounds I will still be fat. People will still give looks and make rude remarks. They will still judge me without knowing my story. This is a hard one for me to deal with. I've always battled with acceptance issues in life. I just want to blend in for once. I feel like a monster. The looks people give me sometimes shatter me inside.

Without getting into too much personal detail, when the weight is gone, I am going to need plastic surgery. That's already been determined by my doctor, my husband and myself. There are some problem areas that once all the fat is gone, the skin is not going to go back to where it should be. I CAN'T AFFORD SURGERY!!!  I have to wear "spanx" right now just to hide it and I think it's going to get worse, not better. I HATE IT. I am being honest and real here people. This is really hard for me to admit and deal with.

I want to run away and hide forever never to be seen again in the outside world. Unfortunately that is not an option. I am just going to have to work through my issues and keep going. God doesn't want me to quit. He has a plan for my life. I need to trust him and do my part.

The eating, the exercise, they are all easy compared to the emotional side of this journey. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Even when I am I am in the lowest valley, God is still by my side cheering me on. 

Hereditary

My entire life I have heard family members make excuses as to why we're all fat. Some of them said that we are just "built different with bigger bones." I also heard that it's "simply hereditary."  I actually believed this until a few years ago where I started digging deeper into this idea. Here's what I've come up with. The only thing that I have inherited from my family is laziness and poor eating habits. I am determined to break this cycle and prove to my family that we don't HAVE to accept being fat and unhealthy. My father died of a massive heart attack due to obesity related issues. He was 48 years old. Something needs to change in my family before it's too late. 

Boston

Yesterday there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon. 3 lives were lost ( one was a little boy ) and an estimated 154 were injured. So many thoughts have been on my mind. There is an alarming amount of tragedy in our world these days. I have comfort in knowing that my God is here with me through it all. Sadly, there are many who do not have that same comfort. This world needs Jesus in a big way. 

I just keep thinking that somewhere in that group of runners was someone who probably started their journey much like I have. They traveled on a road starting at rock bottom and heading for victory. Yesterday, that was stolen from them. 

As I was watching the new coverage I saw a Dad running carrying a baby girl that looked to be the same age as my Sydney. I completely LOST it. The horror and fear he must have felt as he rushed that baby to safety. 

Another picture from the new coverage that touched me was that of a father pushing his special needs son across the finish line at the time of the explosion. 

Thank God Cameron asked me to tag along on a HUD inspection. I HAD to get away from the TV. After we were done with the inspection I had to run to Kroger to get a few quick things. As I was in the store, all the emotions of the day hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a melt down in the middle of the store. Suddenly, everything I had learned recently began to head out the window. My brain kept thinking about chocolate, pop and salty snacks. I felt like I needed "comfort foods." It was a rough moment for me. I finally calmed myself down and headed to the organic section. I would allow myself to have a modest piece of dark chocolate. I grabbed it and quickly proceeded to the check out line before I was tempted anymore. I was REALLY close to buying junk. Sigh. 

Today is a new day and I am refocusing. While I continue to pray for Boston I can't just sit in front of the tv all day dwelling. My plan? Keep busy. I plan to give the house a deep cleaning and to focus on doing "school" with Trinity. After Cameron gets home from work I plan on going for a walk. I downloaded a new App on my phone to help track my distances and times. I am looking forward to putting it to work. 

Take me out to the ballgame

The Broker at Cameron's office was giving away a set of tickets to a Detroit Tigers game. I had never been to a baseball game and Cameron wanted me to go with him. He quickly snagged the tickets and away we went. I had so many things going through my head as we pulled into our parking spot. Could I fit in the seats? Could I resist the temptation of all those foods? Would I get hit in the face with a baseball? Could I even handle walking that far to the stadium? I was determined, for once in my life to not let my fears run my life. I was going to experience this with my husband and I was determined to have fun doing it. (Which I did and I can't wait to go again! )

We made it into the stadium and got to our seats. END SEATS! Thank you God! I fit comfortably in the chairs. Crisis avoided. It was super cold and rainy but we were enjoying each other's company. Then, the game started. My plan? Duck and cover. Thankfully no stray balls came into the stands where we were sitting. Another crisis avoided! The vendors walked up and down the isles offering sugary drinks, cotton candy, hot dogs, peanuts... You could smell the pizza and french fries cooking behind us. There was candy, soft pretzels, nachos, chips, hamburgers.... It all smelled completely amazing. 

I resisted all the temptation. I did not eat a thing. Not even with my husband eating junk next to me. 

 After the game, we headed to a nice dinner at Applebees. They have a few meals under 550 calories. I chose the Roasted garlic Sirloin. YUMMY!! I felt AMAZING yesterday.  Imagine what I would have felt like if I had allowed myself to consume the grease and sugar at the game? 

I have spent today watching documentaries on Netflix to try to understand the obsession with junk food in America. It's like an epidemic! 

First holiday in the books

I had a wonderful time celebrating Easter with my family. I was kind of relieved that dinner was just myself, hubby and the kids. I am a social eater so family holidays tend to be me eating... and eating... and eating. We sat down and had a nice balanced meal and I cleaned up the leftovers right away to send to my Mom's so I wasn't temped to graze all day. My Mom and Grandparents stopped by later in the day for dessert. I enjoyed a small piece of cherry pie with scoop of frozen yogurt. 

Me and Hubby with our youngest, Sydney.